Fan-atics! Lun-atics!

So... I have recently decided to dive into one of the deepest, darkest, most bountiful mines on the internet: the world of fan fiction. To be quite honest, I'm not sure how long I can stay down here. It's full of coal, but once in a while I do stumble across a diamond.

If you decide to take the plunge, be sure to bring a canary... it's a dangerous place.

Here is a real gem, an excerpt from a "21 Jumpstreet" story called "Heat Wave" by a poster named St. Mission. A "Jumpstreet" refresher: Tom is the character played by Johnny Depp and Doug is Peter Deluise's character.

Before Tom knew what was happening or what he had just been warned about, Doug was on top of him, pinning him to the floor by straddling his waist. There was no time to protest or even to try fighting him off, for Doug was quick to start sliding two ice cubes along his partner’s stomach and chest, paralyzing Tom from the sharp cold.

“Doug!” he shouted, soon finding his limbs to be functioning again to shove Doug off of him. He wasn’t successful. “Doug, stop!”

By now, he was giggling as his partner’s hands glided over his glistening skin. It was quite exhilarating, to say the least. When an ice cube encircled his nipple, he let out a pleased gasp and arched upward. The hardening of his areola was an unexpected stimulant, and despite his apparent lack of energy, he felt himself becoming absolutely and undeniably horny for Doug.

I don't really know what to say about that...

...except, "AWESOME!"

Later I was shocked to discover what were the most popular shows that fans wrote about. On fanfiction.net (a veritable encyclopedia of fan fiction) there were six television shows that had over 10,000 stories/scripts written about them or their characters.

1. Stargate: SG-1--21,582
2. House, M.D.--16,105
3. Stargate: Atlantis--14,928
4. Gilmore Girls--14,851
5. NCIS--14,345
6. One Tree Hill--11,635

Who are these people? I didn't know that 14,000 people watched NCIS, let alone wrote fan fiction about it.

I was devastated that only three "Punky Brewster" stories had been posted, and they all sucked. One was about Punky B. getting her appendix taken out: BORING! None even came close to touching the real episode when Cherie hid inside a refrigerator while playing hide and seek and almost suffocated! Remember all those great PSA episodes in 80s sitcoms? Were a lot of children dying from locking themselves inside discarded refrigerators back in the 80s?

I was also surprised at the dearth of "Twin Peaks" and "Golden Girls" stories. Only twenty-nine "Golden Girls" stories, one of which was an African-American version of GG called "Black Gold"!

It almost seems unfair including reading fan fiction as a form of procrastination. It's really more of a paid vacation... so take a break, put your feet up, and enjoy!

http://www.fanfiction.net/