Fan-atics! Lun-atics!

So... I have recently decided to dive into one of the deepest, darkest, most bountiful mines on the internet: the world of fan fiction. To be quite honest, I'm not sure how long I can stay down here. It's full of coal, but once in a while I do stumble across a diamond.

If you decide to take the plunge, be sure to bring a canary... it's a dangerous place.

Here is a real gem, an excerpt from a "21 Jumpstreet" story called "Heat Wave" by a poster named St. Mission. A "Jumpstreet" refresher: Tom is the character played by Johnny Depp and Doug is Peter Deluise's character.

Before Tom knew what was happening or what he had just been warned about, Doug was on top of him, pinning him to the floor by straddling his waist. There was no time to protest or even to try fighting him off, for Doug was quick to start sliding two ice cubes along his partner’s stomach and chest, paralyzing Tom from the sharp cold.

“Doug!” he shouted, soon finding his limbs to be functioning again to shove Doug off of him. He wasn’t successful. “Doug, stop!”

By now, he was giggling as his partner’s hands glided over his glistening skin. It was quite exhilarating, to say the least. When an ice cube encircled his nipple, he let out a pleased gasp and arched upward. The hardening of his areola was an unexpected stimulant, and despite his apparent lack of energy, he felt himself becoming absolutely and undeniably horny for Doug.

I don't really know what to say about that...

...except, "AWESOME!"

Later I was shocked to discover what were the most popular shows that fans wrote about. On fanfiction.net (a veritable encyclopedia of fan fiction) there were six television shows that had over 10,000 stories/scripts written about them or their characters.

1. Stargate: SG-1--21,582
2. House, M.D.--16,105
3. Stargate: Atlantis--14,928
4. Gilmore Girls--14,851
5. NCIS--14,345
6. One Tree Hill--11,635

Who are these people? I didn't know that 14,000 people watched NCIS, let alone wrote fan fiction about it.

I was devastated that only three "Punky Brewster" stories had been posted, and they all sucked. One was about Punky B. getting her appendix taken out: BORING! None even came close to touching the real episode when Cherie hid inside a refrigerator while playing hide and seek and almost suffocated! Remember all those great PSA episodes in 80s sitcoms? Were a lot of children dying from locking themselves inside discarded refrigerators back in the 80s?

I was also surprised at the dearth of "Twin Peaks" and "Golden Girls" stories. Only twenty-nine "Golden Girls" stories, one of which was an African-American version of GG called "Black Gold"!

It almost seems unfair including reading fan fiction as a form of procrastination. It's really more of a paid vacation... so take a break, put your feet up, and enjoy!

http://www.fanfiction.net/

Go to the Library (of Congress)!

This is a site that I have used for years, but it might be one of the most underutilized sites given the amount of information it holds. It is the entire catalog of the Library of Congress! The best part is that you can view rare film footage they have and their extensive collection of photographs, maps, pamphlets, etc. For example you can browse their collection of photographs from 1920-1930 and type in Alabama, and it will call up every picture they have of Alabama from that time period. This is THE best resource for historical research that I know. I can waste hours on this website.

When reading Auntie Mame (the main character supposedly lives at 3 Beekman Place), I found a photograph of an apartment at 5 Beekman place taken in 1928, the year in which the novel begins: AMAZING!

Get touchy feely with America! Become an obsessive compulsive patriot! Do anything but work!

http://memory.loc.gov/ammem/index.html

How Popular Are You?

Why not track the popularity of your name and the names of your loved ones instead of brainstorming for that ad campaign? Find out if your name has ever been in the top 10. Mine hasn't, but it has been slowly creeping up in popularity. The wonderful people that track all of this information...
...our very own Social Security Administration!

Enjoy.

http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/

Mathemagic...

At my school there is a Problem of the Week put up by the head of the math department. I thought I would share one here for those of you who would like to bend your brain instead of maintaining computer files or finding a caterer for an important event.

A well-intentioned butcher discovers that his scales are slightly
uneven. Seeking to cheat neither his customers nor himself, the
butcher weighs a 2 pound order by weighing 1 pound on the left
and 1 pound on the right. Does this in fact yield 2 pounds exactly?
If not, who is cheated, the butcher or his customers?

I Love Short Films

Twenty minutes to kill before a meeting? Would you rather not do work until then? Instead of mindlessly checking your e-mail for the umpteenth time, find a good short film on the internet. You'd be amazed what's out there.

A favorite of mine called "I Love Sarah Jane":



If you only have five minutes before that meeting, here's an Academy Award nominee from last year's animated short category:

Memorization

I have always been a big fan of memorizing useless facts. If you are at work and can't face the project you have to finish, then at the very least memorize something: useful or useless. One of my seven year old students memorized this entire Emily Dickinson poem within 20 minutes of my handing it to her. And she could recite it perfectly the next day as well. So today why don't you see if you can best a seven year old. Chances are you can't because she is a freak with the most amazing giant poofy hair and a mind like a steel trap!


605

The Spider holds a Silver Ball
In unperceived Hands—
And dancing softly to Himself
His Yarn of Pearl—unwinds—

He plies from Nought to Nought—
In unsubstantial Trade—
Supplants our Tapestries with His—
In half the period—

An Hour to rear supreme
His Continents of Light—
Then dangle from the Housewife's Broom—
His Boundaries—forgot—

--Emily Dickinson


If you don't enjoy poetry, try memorizing a list of trivia... like all the Roman emperors in order from Augustus to Constantine.

Augustus
Tiberius
Caligula
Claudius
Nero
Galba
Otho
Vitellius
Vespasian
Titus
Domitian
Nerva
Trajan
Hadrian
Antoninus Pius
Marcus Aurelius
Lucius Verus
Commodus
Pertinax
Didius Julianus
Septimius Severus
Caracalla
Geta
Macrinus
Diadumenian
Elagabalus
Alexander Severus
Maximinus Thrax
Gordian I
Gordian II
Pupienus
Balbinus
Gordian III
Philip the Arab
Decius
Herennius Etruscus
Hostilian
Gallus
Volusianus
Aemilian
Valerian
Gallienus
Claudius II Gothicus
Quintillus
Aurelian
Tacitus
Florianus
Probus
Carus
Carinus
Numerian
Postumus
Marius
Victorinus
Tetricus I
Carausius
Allectus
Diocletian
Maximian
Constantius I Chlorus
Galerius
Severus II
Maxentius
Constantine I


If you had to change your name to one of the emperor's names, which would you choose? I'm pretty sure that I would be excited to be called Maximinus Thrax.

Would You Rather...

...style Lady Gaga or a Brazilian Teddy Bear? Now you don't have to choose! Just go to the fabulous website below and you can do both instead of looking over your patient's medical history. Trust me... you will be glad you went to this website. If you aren't filled with a mixture of glee and terror afterwards, there's just something wrong with you.

http://www.paperdollheaven.com/en/

I don't know whether to be more troubled by the unsettling backhair removal ads on the site (who exactly do they think their audience is?) or the fact that the most popular doll to dress is Kimora Lee Simmons.

My Stomach is in Knots!

Is your stomach hurting from the stress of trying to proofread a legal brief or get through a horribly written script? What better way to relieve the pressure on your brain than by learning how to tie a few knots?

First let's learn the basic slip knot, which comes in handy when you don't want to spend too much time untying something later.




If you are in a more sartorial mood, learn how to tie a bow tie! It's a great skill to have and is much easier than people think.




And last but (k)not least, here's a sailing knot called a Carrick Bend used to join two separate lines. You can practice at home with dental floss. If you are out of dental floss, now is surely the time to go to the store and buy some. When you are finished, give your teeth an extra thorough flossing to kill a little more time.



WARNING: This project may just make you more crazy and stressed than you were in the first place!

T-Shirt Origami!

Okay... you don't want to write that report? Why not fold laundry instead? I am obsessed with T-Shirt Origami, the idiot-proof method for folding t-shirts.

1. Watch the video.

2. Practice on a tee.

3. Go to your closet and refold all of your t-shirts.

Clapping Music

Once I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to do the two rhythms of Steve Reich's 'Clapping Music' at the same time--one on each hand. A surefire way to procrastinate... Nevertheless I recently stumbled across this video that very brilliantly and simply breaks down the clapping rhythms in a visual way. For those unfamiliar with the piece, it was written in 1972 and consists of two people clapping the same rhythm for four measures and then one of the clappers slowly shifts the rhythm throughout the piece until he returns to the original rhythmic structure at the end.




If this is too hard, just spend some time trying to pat your head and rub your stomach.

OR

Try to follow Miss South Carolina's train of thought and keep your head from exploding.



I would like to think that this is a map of her brain.

Day One

I am procrastinating. I've decided that, rather than write what I need to write tonight, I will start blogging. About nothing. Or rather about doing nothing. Or is it nothing? I am sure that I am not the only one who can be incredibly productive when procrastinating. In fact, I get some of my best work done when I procrastinate: I clean my kitchen and bathroom properly, I post theses on youtube videos, I compare recordings of Brahms symphonies, I catch up on the latest season of any of a number of embarrassing shows. Overall, I am a procrastination workhorse, a Clydesdale if you will.

Of course my favorite activity when procrastinating is to revisit the trivia I have amassed over the course of my life and, naturally, to gather new tidbits of trivial knowledge. You might say that I am lazy and full of trivia. Welcome to...

...What Lazy Knew.